You’ve probably spent many nights asking yourself, “Why would my man cheat on me if he says he loves me?”
It does not seem to make sense, and this fact alone keeps you from totally believing that he is in FACT cheating.
So you go back and forth …
One day, you’re convinced there’s something going on, and the next day he does something sweet or affectionate and you tell yourself you’re imagining things.
This is a common dilemma. I thought about this a few days ago when I was on my way to work. I was passing by a large SUV in the left lane. I stared down at it from my bus seat and saw in the rear window a big red bumper sticker, which read:
“I LOVE MY WIFE”
And I had to smile.
Now, do not get wrong, I applaud this man. If more men could put those stickers on their car, who knows … maybe the world would be a better place, and more women would be treated well by their spouses.
But what made me smile, was this: Does this man know how many women there are, which husbands SAY they love them, but later find out they’re being BETRAYED by these same men?
It’s very sad, and it’s very true. It’s crazy! And maybe it’s happened to you. Men can claim that they love you, and still place all that they claim to cherish at total risk.
True, there’s a lot of comfort in hearing from your man, “I love you like nothing else in this world” … It’s like a thick warm fur blanket wrapped around your soul, telling you everything is fine. But maybe your eyes and your intuition are telling you something else. Telling you to worry that maybe it’s colder than you think.
It gnaws away at you, if you’re one of these frustrated and bewildered women, sensing your relationship is in crisis and you do not know why.
It’s a question I’ve been asked as much as any other: “He says he loves me, but if he’s cheating, he must be lying, right?” Because it can not POSSIBLY be both ways, right?
And this is a really bizarre thing about men that you need to know:
A man can actually love you AND cheat on you at the same time.
This may seem ridiculous and hard to believe. But it gets even weirder than that! I’ve studied, read countless books and listened to the stories of cheaters for years. After all that, a really interesting pattern became familiar to me, and it’s a common thread when cheaters still love their wives … And it’s this:
Your man could actually think he’s SAVING his marriage by not being faithful to it.
How in the world does this possibly happen? And what does it mean? To answer that, let’s take another quick peek inside the mind of a man.
And let’s start with basics … this amazing scenario can begin innocently when a man decides some worthwhile he’s done warrants a reward. That’s right, he decides to give himself a little present.
But how does he decide what he wants, and how does he to give himself PERMISSION to go get it?
You’re probably wondering what all this has to do with YOU. Well, it’s possible it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s about HIM, his mental and emotional state, and the story he tells himself about his life, and what it’s missing. Quite simply, he CRAVES.
Ever craved something? Ever had a hard day at work, and on the way home your car turned itself into the parking lot of a coffee shop, ice cream parlour or chocolatier? That’s a simple example of what I’m talking about, and there’s nothing more human than craving. But have you ever stopped to wonder where does craving come from?
The thing is, most men work HARD, and they take what they do VERY seriously. Not surprisingly, they want other people to notice this, admire it, and appreciate it. This goes especially for those they are in a romantic, intimate relationship with. I guess you could say, the closer you are to him, the more he’s looking for that gratitude.
But there’s much more to this: For example, most men, deep, deep down, are deathly afraid of their lives passing them by. Let’s face it, most of us guys are never going to regain the looks, energy and fitness we had when we were 23 or so. And we can feel the downward pull of the years as time passes, and can begin to wonder what happened to the old dreams. But before you start feeling sorry for us guys, realize that we bring this on ourselves.
You see, a typical woman is much more likely to confront the difficult things in her life, to make difficult choices and move on. In contrast, a typical man is FAR more likely to get himself STUCK.
So now we’re getting to some nuts and bolts. If you are worried about your man cheating on you, but you think he still loves you, there are two very, VERY key questions you need to think about:
# 1: Does your man feel appreciated for what he does?
and # 2: Does he feel ENTERED AND INTRIGUED by his life, and where it’s heading?
These answers to these two questions contain a wealth of knowledge that can help you understand what could possibly motivate a man to risk so much. Also, it’s worth it to stop for a moment and notice how none of these questions has ANYTHING to do with his feelings for you. They have much more to do with what your man needs to do to fulfil his perceived needs.
If the answer to both of the questions above is NO, then whether conscious or subconscious, your man will ever give himself permission to “sneak off” in whatever direction gets him what he craves.
Men do this. In many cases, it can be harmless. In my case, for example, many times on a beautiful summer evening after a hard day’s work, I treat myself by driving to a local pond and enjoying some quiet fishing while the sun sinks behind the mountains nearby. I do this as a reward to myself for my hard work, and because it feeds a part of my soul I can not feed in the hustle and bustle at home.
But there are other, more dangerous cravings: Acceptance, adoration, adventure, respect, different kinds of sex, are just a few of the myriad things that could be on the mind of your man. Whatever it is he craves, if his married life is condemning him of it, it just builds like pressure in a tea kettle. In most cases, it’s not a question of if, but of when.
There’s another, CRUCIAL piece of information you need. This fundamental need of his that’s not being met, whatever it is, it does not even have to be REAL OR TRUE.
It just has to SEEM true, from his perspective. In other words, it just has to exist in his mind. I really can not overemphasize the importance of this.
If you’re with me this far, you’re probably thinking, “OK, so just what is he denied that? So valuable to him, anyway?” That’s the million-dollar question, and it can be a very tough puzzle to solve.
To answer this puzzle, you’ll have to ask yourself some questions about your guy.
– What is your man like when he’s WRONG?
– What did your man’s first romantic experience, back in his childhood, teach him about love?
– And what is your man’s # 1 WORST fear?
Contained in the answers to these questions is a pile of valuable insights into what makes your man tick. But that’s just the beginning.
There’s much, much more you need to be thinking about to get a complete picture of what’s going on.
If you know what your man needs, you can make sure he gets it, and in a way that meets your needs too. But if you can not tell what he craves, you’ll always be guessing what his next moves will be. If your man says he loves you, but you suspect, or know he cheated, it does not always spell the end.
In fact, it could be the beginning of a more connected, more intimate relationship under the right circumstances and with some professional counselling.