I often hear from wives who tell me that they are afraid that their husband is no longer physically or sexually attracted to them anymore. I often hear comments like: “I suspect that he’s just no longer attracted to me. He never really compliments me or really looks at me. He’s not as affectionate as he used to be. How do I know if he sees me as unattractive or if something else is going on?”
There are sometimes signs that might indicate that your husband isn’t as attracted to you as he used to be or that, for whatever reason, he isn’t attracted to you right now. I will discuss some of these signs in the following article as well as discuss why sometimes, these signs can indicate something else.
Some Signs That Your Husband Isn’t Attracted To You Anymore: Very few women tell me that their husband never acted physically attracted to them. Usually, there was a lot of chemistry early on, and then over time the behaviours which indicated the sparks begin to change. Of course, what is below is not going to be an exhaustive list. Every one is different. But here are some behaviours that you will often see when an attraction is starting to wane.
The Physical Affection Goes Cold: Men are often attracted to visual stimulation. And much of the time, women respond more to emotional stimulation. That’s why men sometimes find things like lingerie vital while women aren’t invested in it quite as much. And, when something pleases a man visually, he will often follow that up with physical behaviours. When he notices that your appearance or presence elicits a reaction, he will take this further and hug you, reach out to you, brush your arm, etc.
In other words, he will spontaneously want to connect with you on a physical level as a result of what he’s seeing or experiencing. This is usually true even when you are busy and stressed. It only takes a few seconds to compliment or reach out to someone. And, even if your husband isn’t demonstrative, you’ll often see his appreciation and attraction in his eyes, body language, or the expressions on his face.
He’s Avoiding Focused Time Alone Together: People who are deeply in love, connected, and attracted to each other typically have no reason to avoid one another and will usually make an effort to carve out time to be alone and connect. But when one of the spouses no longer craves this due to a lack of affection, then they will often make an attempt to avoid the entire process.
They may tell you that they have to work late, have other obligations, or are “tired.” Whatever reason they give you, they’ll make an attempt to avoid one on one time, especially if they know you’re going to bring up or act upon your suspicions. And, sometimes when you are together in the way that I’ve just described, you’ll notice that they are quite uncomfortable, resist eye contact or shift uncontrollably. In short, you will just notice some discomfort or get the feeling that something is “off.”
He May Try To Tell You That He’s ‘Comfortable’ Rather Than Being No Longer Attracted To You: Most women in this situation have an intuitive feeling that something is off. It’s very painful to think that your husband isn’t physically attracted to you, but the signs can be difficult to ignore. So, many wives will confront their husbands about this. Some will just come right out and ask him if he still finds them pleasing. And often, the husbands will tell them that he is, but that he’s just become “comfortable” and therefore isn’t as demonstrative.
You might be hearing comments like “we’ve been married a long time now. Do you expect me to still act like a teenager? We’re married. I’m obviously committed to you. What more do you want?” Sometimes, men take this approach because they really don’t want to dig deep into their feelings or they don’t want to hurt yours.
What To Do If You Think Your Husband Isn’t Attracted To You: Many wives in this situation begin to feel very badly about themselves and make all sorts of assumptions about “letting themselves go” or being “ugly.” And many will consider making very drastic changes. Please don’t beat yourself up. And, please understand that there is more that goes into attraction than the way that you look.
In fact, when I dialogue with men on this topic, I almost always notice that looks aren’t always what they focus in on the most. Many will describe connection, attention, confidence, and appreciation as equally important. In fact, when a man tells me that he no longer finds his wife attractive, you can almost always also find that there is a lack of connection in the relationship that came before he started to feel this way.
People who feel unappreciated or not connected to their spouse will often respond by “falling out of love” or not seeing their spouse as physically attractive. So, before you blame your appearance, take a look at the state of your relationship. Because in my experience, if a man feels loved, understood, supported and appreciated by his wife, he will often see her as a beautiful person both inside and out even if her physical appearance is different than it was when they first met.