“The first rule of (the Secrets of Life) is: you do not ever talk about (the Secrets of Life).” This is a direct quote from Brad Pitt. But I’m going to talk about them, for just this one instance … because it’s important that everyone knows these secrets. I mean, everyone knows them, of course … that’s why everyone does them, but just in case, under the bizarre circumstance that someone did not know one of these rules, I think about them just this once. That way no one has an unfair advantage over anyone else in the game of life. (Like the time that paraplegic was allowed to run in the Olympics against those “non-prosthetic-legged” people … so unfair.)
These, my friends, are the Secrets to Life, the shortcuts and time savers that make every day just a little bit easier:
If you are waiting for a package to come, if you have a tracking number, make sure to check the status of your package online as many times as possible … the more you check out, the faster it will come and the better your odds will be that it will actually come TODAY!
If you are really cold, the fastest way to get warm is not what you think. Instead of heading inside to somewhere warmer, or putting on warmer clothes, just constantly repeat various phrases such as “I’m freezing” and “I’ll never let go, Jack” as if they are your personal mantra. Before you know it, you’ll be warmer than ever.
Rule number 2 also works with food. If you are really hungry, make your mantra something along the lines of “I’m starving,” “I could eat a whole elephant” or “I want my baby back baby back baby back … Chili’s Baby Back Ribs (with BBQ sauce). ”
If you really have to pee and there’s no place to go, tap dancing is your best bet. In fact, there’s an actual dance that was created in order to help you maintain your dry-pants status. It goes like this: Shift your weight to your left leg and bounce slightly up and down while tapping your right foot as fast as you can. Then after about 3 seconds, switch all of your weight to the other leg and tap your left foot repeatedly. At this point, you should be feeling some relief. However, in the extremely rare circumstance that you still have to go really bad, your best bet is to grab your crotch with both hands, do a half squat and repeat the mantra, “I have to pee. ”
If ever you are waiting in a line somewhere (a theme park, a movie theater, etc.) do not make the mistake of not following within a one foot radius of the person in front of you. Everyone else in line knows that if you are not breathing down the person in front of you’s neck, you may just miss everything. The line might just skip over you and everyone behind you entirely. This is why you always get those annoyed eye rolls and death glares if you break this rule. So please, be courteous to all of the other customers in line and attach yourself to the hip of the person in front of you.
When you really need to be productive and get something done, be it a paper for class or something for work, the best approach is always to sit down at the computer and make sure that you’ve gotten updated on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumbler, Instagram and FarmVille before you start. This may take an hour or two or ten, but at least, once you start working on said project, you know you’ll have at least five minutes of straight get-down-to-it time until you’ll have to check Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, Instagram or FarmVille again.
When double clicking on something on the computer, if it looks to be taking a long time, quadruple click it, and then quadruple click it again. This always works to speed up the computer. It’s scientifically proven!
In a similar fashion, when waiting for an elevator, rapid fire is always the best approach. If you just push the button once, the elevator will come in standard fashion. But if you rapid fire on the button, it will abort any other floors it was planning on going to and it will immediately come to you and take you directly to where you need to go.
If ever you find yourself needing more energy, the secret is to try to go to bed early. It’s a sure thing that if you try to go to bed early, you will instantly be wide awake and ready to do anything.
The following to the secret rules of the road:
When you see a stop sign, you should speed up as fast as you can. This way you are guaranteed to get to the stop sign faster.
When stopped at a stoplight, if you continuously creep up onto the bumper of the car in front of you, the light will get angry and just give up and turn green for you.
So now you know … these are the unspoken Secrets of Life. Use and enjoy. But remember, “The first rule about (the Secrets of Life) is: you do not talk about (Secrets of Life).”