When you’re a kid and you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, your natural reaction is to make up some excuse, any excuse, hoping it will get you out of trouble. Kids will say the ridiculous things to weasel out of punishment-and, it seems, so will a husband who has just been caught cheating on their wife.
You would think that having definitive proof of your husband’s affair would make it impossible for them to say anything other than, “I’m sorry,” but that is not the case.
Here is a collection of funny, and just plain weird, excuses men have given after being confronted by their wives about an affair. And yes, they are all real comments that have been uttered by at least one cheating spouse. Most have been used many times.
She’s just a friend. This is probably the most common defense. Of course, this doesn’t take into account that you generally don’t call “friends” of the opposite sex at all hours of the night, use secret cell phones to communicate with them, and take them to hotel rooms during the lunch hour.
It’s all your fault. This one takes all the blame off the cheating spouse and lays it squarely at the feet of the betrayed. If you had only been this, or that, or a combination of this and that, I never would have had to cheat on you. See what you’ve made me do?
I felt sorry for her/She needed me. Hoping you will feel some kind of empathy for the other woman, a cheating husband will use this one as they try to appeal to your emotional, caring side. Maybe the affair partner was going through a tough time, needed someone to talk to, and your husband, being the helpful and considerate guy that he is, was right there to boost her self-esteem. It never occurs to the cheater that his wife and kids may have needed him more!
I can’t remember if I did anything. If they think you have proof-and amazingly, even if they know you do-the old amnesia excuse is an easy one to give. After all, if they admit to nothing, then nothing happened, right? You can’t hold forgetfulness against them!
Those scratches on my back? I ran into a nail at work. Even if your spouse works in a high-rise office with marble columns and mahogany desks, you never know what kind of stray nail or rough edge could be lurking around the workplace, waiting to inflict bodily harm upon them. So naturally, those bite or scratch marks on their back, rear end or sides came from sloppy building maintenance.
I left my wedding ring on while I had sex with her; that proves I love you. This one has everything: narcissism, stupidity, and good old-fashioned twisted logic. See, I love you so much honey, and you are so valuable to me, that even while I was having sex with another woman you were much too important to get off my mind. What other declaration of love could a wife want?
The reason I didn’t mention it to you because you would have said “no.” Is this guy in kindergarten? He thought about asking you permission to have a sleepover with another woman, but you are such a crabby wife, and you never let him do anything fun, so he just figured it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I am so glad I got caught… I have been trying to end it. This one is the real-life equivalent of those heists movies-you know, the con is going to do just one last job and then he’s done? Yeah, those. This cheater paints you as a helpful savior, because he’s been trying to get out of this whole adultery thing for a while now, but didn’t know how to end it. Thank goodness you came along and saved him from the whole sordid deal.
There are many, many ways to make a betrayed wife think she is crazy. These are only a few examples and they show just how outrageous a cheating husband’s behavior can become… and just how senseless affairs really are.
Featured Image: GQ