Over the weekend, I got an email from a husband who wanted advice on how to get his wife to admit to cheating. He’d been told by several friends and coworkers that his wife was being seen around town with someone else. He’d also noted many troubling signs and some distance from her. He knew that something was wrong. He knew that she was no longer as affectionate and committed to the marriage. Everyone was telling him that she was cheating. So, in his mind, he knew that she was lying to him and he just wanted the truth. It was very troubling to him that she did not respect him enough to come clean, especially when he’d asked her straight out to be truthful.
The Different Strategies He Had Tried: This husband told me that he had tried everything that he could think of to make, make, or trick her into telling the truth. At first, he tried to take the gentle and understanding approach. In other words, he told her that he would stand by her no matter what she had done. Basically, he did not care about the cheating, he just wanted to know so that they could begin to move on. Her response to this was that she appreciated his understanding and forgiveness, but there was nothing to forgive and she was asking him to believe her over people that he did not love and was not married to.
A few weeks after this, he began to try the angry approach. He told her that he was not stupid and that he was no longer going to take this. He told her that he would not tolerate cheating and that she had better start telling him the truth – and soon – before he left. Of course, she responded to this with her own version of hard ball. She told him to go right ahead and leave and repeated that there was nothing to tell him. She insured that she was not cheating and insured that she was the one who should be angry at all of these false accusations.
Finally, he tried placing everything that he knew on the table to see how she responded to these complaints. He flat out told her what he had been hearing and also stated the strange behavior that she had been seeing. Her response was fueled with more anger. She basically told him that all of these people did not like her and were only trying to cause trouble for them. As for the things that he saw, she told him that he was over suspicious and that his behavior was driving her further away.
Are There Any “Magic Words” To Get Her To Admit To The Cheating ?: The husband wanted me to tell him what were the “magic words” or “magic phrases” that were going to push her buttons enough to finally get her to come clean. I had to tell him that frankly, he had already tried most all the tactics except for one. He had not yet tried to catch her or to come up with proof that even she could not refuse.
Basically, he was relying on her deciding that she was through with lying or that she respected him enough to be truthful. Unfortunately, by cheating and continuing to lie, she had already demonstrated that she did not have these qualities. Since she had taken it this far, it was very unlucky that she was suddenly going to change course and admit something like “OK, you’re right. when I said that I was not. ” I know that this is what he wanted, but her past behavior had shown that this is not likely to happen.
The only “magic words” in my opinion are things like “look at what I found on your cell phone,” or “look at this chat transcript and email transcript from your computer,” or “look at this photo that I took of your car and you at so and so’s house. ” These are things that she can not deny. Because there are many very low cost software programs that will allow you to easily recover this information (even if she had deleted it or password protected it.) These things can be had in a very short amount of time.
I know that he was trying to avoid this type of confrontation. But, sometimes, when you’ve tried everything else and you still really want the truth, you have to resort to these things because their continuing looting has given you no other choice.